Motherhood

{caution: one very long rambling post}
I got my wisdom teeth removed this past weekend and it has been quite the experience. Funny thing is I learned something I didn't think I would learn through this whole process. I learned about motherhood.

Everyday, I get up with Porter.  I get him out and he usually likes to cuddle with me. We usually spend the first few minutes of being awake laying in my bed while I read my scriptures and he plays on my ipod or flips through a book as well. We then proceed to make the bed, brush our teeth, get breakfast  etc... Most days are pretty much the same. Some vary depending on if it's laundry day, I have errands to run, places to go to, but all in all my days are spent taking care of this little man. He goes everywhere with me. He does everything with me. My day revolves around him. If I need to get something done that is a little more delicate like a craft I have to wait to put him down for a nap to work on it. If I want to go somewhere I have to time it so it's not during lunch or nap time or he is one grumpy kid on that particular errand.  I have to make sure to shower at times when I know he won't be destroying the house or getting into danger.  My house is a never ending cleaning chore. There's always laundry. Always dishes to do. Always vacuuming needed to be done.  No matter how many times I clean out that high chair it is never clean cause he just eats in it an hour later.  There's always picking up to do. I don't think there is ever a time it stays clean longer then 5 minutes unless we are gone.  I don't sit down much. Whether I'm cleaning or Porter is constantly needing help with something, or he needs a snack, or he needs this or he needs that. There is always something. I am always needed. Motherhood.

I never wanted to be the typical family where the husband works and the wife slaves away at home. Where there is no compromise.  It's just how it is.  I wanted something a little bit more. Just a little bit more compromise. Teamwork. However, I've always wanted to be a "stay-at-home" mom, that's why I chose the career I did, so I could support a family if I need to but I can also do it at home with my children. I don't ever think I realized what a "stay-at-home" mother entailed.  I got to a point a few weeks ago where I was in desperate need of change. My life felt very routine. I've been doing the same thing for a year and a half.  I wondered if being the "stay-at-home" mom was worth it. I wondered if I was even needed. If I was even making a difference.  I was so sick of cleaning that high chair out and changing the poopy diapers everyday, it was getting old. I started to wonder why? Why is it up to me to get all that done? Why is it my job?  Why is it I take care of Porter all day and then as soon as papa comes home he just wants him. He doesn't want me. Is my work even noticed. I don't have a pay check to prove my hard work. I don't have a boss that gives me good ratings. Sometimes I feel like I work so hard and then it just was forgotten by the end of the day.

Lesson Learned:
"No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you, with an infinite love."
(President Dieter F. Uchtdorf)

This talk is amazing. It really really really helped me.  There were so many good things said. Everybody keeps posting it and recommend reading it, well I recommend listening to it or reading it if you haven't yet. No matter the stage of life you are in.


It hit me this weekend, really hard. I woke up Saturday morning in a lot of pain from the surgery the day before. Porter was crying. He woke up and the first thing I wanted to do was get him out of his crib and love him. Then I realized I couldn't. I couldn't move. I was incapable of being a mother this weekend. My husband did an amazing job at taking care of me and Porter.  I am so grateful.  But I learned this weekend that I am truly blessed to be a mother. I've known of many mother's who lost the ability to be a mother. (My prayers continue to go out to you.) I didn't lose a child this weekend, or permanently lose my ability to function as a human being but for a short time I couldn't be a mother. It hurt. As grateful as I was to be able to rest and heal and have my husband take care of everything, it took all I had to not get up and just start being a mom. I ached for it. I couldn't talk much either so I couldn't even tell Brian what to do. I just had to sit there and let him do it. Figure it out. Through out the weekend Porter would be sad and want to come give me a love, I couldn't even give him a normal love because I was afraid he would accidentally deck me in the mouth.  I started to realize that I truly do love doing what I do. Heavenly Father has entrusted me with one of His greatest gifts, Motherhood. I am truly blessed. I learned this weekend that I enjoy every minute of it.  At times it may seem stressful and that I go unnoticed but I realized that the greatest work I can be doing is what I'm doing. I am important.  And the best part is is I realized that it brings me so much joy. Funny how it's when lose what you have, that's when you appreciate it. Or at least you really take the time to think about appreciating it. I am grateful to be a mom. I am grateful to clean that stinking high chair out 4 times a day. Why because it reminds me that I am building a better foundation for one of Heavenly Father's children. There is nothing greater then watching your child learn and grow.  The moments when they fold their arms for the first time for prayer, or they say thank you with out you asking, or they come and give you a hug just because, those are the moments that make it worth it. The moments that give you the joy.  I will forever remember this weekend, not because of the pain and agony I went through (still trying to heal) but because I learned. I learned that I am truly blessed to be a mother. And that I truly enjoy being a mother. (all that comes with it) I will always be grateful for that knowledge and try not to take it for granted. Another tender mercy found for me. Now on to the rest of my day, being a mom. :)