Motherhood

{caution: one very long rambling post}
I got my wisdom teeth removed this past weekend and it has been quite the experience. Funny thing is I learned something I didn't think I would learn through this whole process. I learned about motherhood.

Everyday, I get up with Porter.  I get him out and he usually likes to cuddle with me. We usually spend the first few minutes of being awake laying in my bed while I read my scriptures and he plays on my ipod or flips through a book as well. We then proceed to make the bed, brush our teeth, get breakfast  etc... Most days are pretty much the same. Some vary depending on if it's laundry day, I have errands to run, places to go to, but all in all my days are spent taking care of this little man. He goes everywhere with me. He does everything with me. My day revolves around him. If I need to get something done that is a little more delicate like a craft I have to wait to put him down for a nap to work on it. If I want to go somewhere I have to time it so it's not during lunch or nap time or he is one grumpy kid on that particular errand.  I have to make sure to shower at times when I know he won't be destroying the house or getting into danger.  My house is a never ending cleaning chore. There's always laundry. Always dishes to do. Always vacuuming needed to be done.  No matter how many times I clean out that high chair it is never clean cause he just eats in it an hour later.  There's always picking up to do. I don't think there is ever a time it stays clean longer then 5 minutes unless we are gone.  I don't sit down much. Whether I'm cleaning or Porter is constantly needing help with something, or he needs a snack, or he needs this or he needs that. There is always something. I am always needed. Motherhood.

I never wanted to be the typical family where the husband works and the wife slaves away at home. Where there is no compromise.  It's just how it is.  I wanted something a little bit more. Just a little bit more compromise. Teamwork. However, I've always wanted to be a "stay-at-home" mom, that's why I chose the career I did, so I could support a family if I need to but I can also do it at home with my children. I don't ever think I realized what a "stay-at-home" mother entailed.  I got to a point a few weeks ago where I was in desperate need of change. My life felt very routine. I've been doing the same thing for a year and a half.  I wondered if being the "stay-at-home" mom was worth it. I wondered if I was even needed. If I was even making a difference.  I was so sick of cleaning that high chair out and changing the poopy diapers everyday, it was getting old. I started to wonder why? Why is it up to me to get all that done? Why is it my job?  Why is it I take care of Porter all day and then as soon as papa comes home he just wants him. He doesn't want me. Is my work even noticed. I don't have a pay check to prove my hard work. I don't have a boss that gives me good ratings. Sometimes I feel like I work so hard and then it just was forgotten by the end of the day.

Lesson Learned:
"No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you, with an infinite love."
(President Dieter F. Uchtdorf)

This talk is amazing. It really really really helped me.  There were so many good things said. Everybody keeps posting it and recommend reading it, well I recommend listening to it or reading it if you haven't yet. No matter the stage of life you are in.


It hit me this weekend, really hard. I woke up Saturday morning in a lot of pain from the surgery the day before. Porter was crying. He woke up and the first thing I wanted to do was get him out of his crib and love him. Then I realized I couldn't. I couldn't move. I was incapable of being a mother this weekend. My husband did an amazing job at taking care of me and Porter.  I am so grateful.  But I learned this weekend that I am truly blessed to be a mother. I've known of many mother's who lost the ability to be a mother. (My prayers continue to go out to you.) I didn't lose a child this weekend, or permanently lose my ability to function as a human being but for a short time I couldn't be a mother. It hurt. As grateful as I was to be able to rest and heal and have my husband take care of everything, it took all I had to not get up and just start being a mom. I ached for it. I couldn't talk much either so I couldn't even tell Brian what to do. I just had to sit there and let him do it. Figure it out. Through out the weekend Porter would be sad and want to come give me a love, I couldn't even give him a normal love because I was afraid he would accidentally deck me in the mouth.  I started to realize that I truly do love doing what I do. Heavenly Father has entrusted me with one of His greatest gifts, Motherhood. I am truly blessed. I learned this weekend that I enjoy every minute of it.  At times it may seem stressful and that I go unnoticed but I realized that the greatest work I can be doing is what I'm doing. I am important.  And the best part is is I realized that it brings me so much joy. Funny how it's when lose what you have, that's when you appreciate it. Or at least you really take the time to think about appreciating it. I am grateful to be a mom. I am grateful to clean that stinking high chair out 4 times a day. Why because it reminds me that I am building a better foundation for one of Heavenly Father's children. There is nothing greater then watching your child learn and grow.  The moments when they fold their arms for the first time for prayer, or they say thank you with out you asking, or they come and give you a hug just because, those are the moments that make it worth it. The moments that give you the joy.  I will forever remember this weekend, not because of the pain and agony I went through (still trying to heal) but because I learned. I learned that I am truly blessed to be a mother. And that I truly enjoy being a mother. (all that comes with it) I will always be grateful for that knowledge and try not to take it for granted. Another tender mercy found for me. Now on to the rest of my day, being a mom. :) 

Now

Lesson Learned:

"Now is the time to stand fast in our faith and on our principles. . . Now is the time to show our appreciation for the atoning sacrifice of our Lord Jesus Christ. . . .Now is the time to warn our neighbors by sharing the gospel message with them. Now is the time to provide the world with an example of decency and modesty, an example of virtue and cleanliness. . . . Now is indeed the time to show we are on the Lord's side."
Elder Robert C. Oaks

I'd rather not be one of the ten virgins that didn't have enough oil. I'd rather be the one that had plenty of oil and clearly showed the bridegroom what my intentions were. Ready. It seems I always think there will be time later to get this done, or get that done. When in reality if I don't do it then it doesn't get done. I always think, one day when I serve a mission with my husband I'll be brave enough to share the gospel. Give a random person a Book of Mormon. To be honest I don't know if I will even get that opportunity. Now, not later, is the time to live the Gospel. Right now. So here I go, trying to be more brave and as each day comes to try and fully live it better according to what I know to be true. Be more willing. Be more charitable. Have more faith. Today is the day I try to live up to my potential as a daughter of Heavenly Father. 

Change

I had an experience when I was younger that was really a defining moment on how I perceived change. And that is was a good thing. I had just had a summer of pure bliss with a really good friend.  Everyday was spent doing something unproductive and fun. I really felt I had gained a "best" friendship, so to speak. Then it seemed to happen overnight, suddenly we stopped hanging out and our friendship dwindled really fast. There were never any hard feelings or anything to end it. . .  it just stopped. I had a really hard time with this.  I kept thinking why something so great would just end.  Why couldn't that friendship be what it was forever. Then one night as I was praying I had this overwhelming feeling of happiness. And I realized a couple things. First, that change is good. Second, that sometimes Heavenly Father puts people into our lives for a specific reason and then when that reason has been fulfilled they leave. Simple as that. I look back and realize she was my friend at a crucial time in my life and helped me gain the confidence I needed to overcome future trials that were coming my way.


Lesson Learned:
"When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us."
(Helen Keller )


I feel as though change is coming on. It's that same feeling I got when I graduated from high school. It's the same feeling I got when I started college, when I first met Brian, when I got married, when Porter came into our lives. Whatever the change may be, I still have a hard time with change, even though I know that it is a good thing. I just hope to remember that one good thing is ending to make room for another good thing later.

Repentance is like a pair of pants

When I was younger I came up with this analogy. I'm sure someone somewhere has come up with the same thing but as far as I know I haven't heard it yet. My husband thought I was crazy when I first told him about it. He gave me this look like here we go again,  Kim and her weird, random comparisons to life. Ha. In YW we have been talking about Repentance this month and it reminded me of my analogy.
Repentance is like a pair of pants:

1.    Recognize that your pants are dirty: Recognizing sin.

2.    Take the pants off: Stop sinning. Nobody wants to wear a dirty pair of pants.

3.    Put them in the washer: Going to the right source for help. Whether you need your bishop, parents, or just need to kneel down and talk to your Heavenly Father about it. Sometimes we stop the sin but don't take all the steps necessary for the forgiveness to take place. Just as sometimes our pants get thrown in a corner or stay in the laundry basket to be forgotten or not cleaned yet. We need to take them to the washer.

4.    Wash Cycle:  Represents the Atonement.  There are different types of cycles depending on the quality of the clothes. Just as we sin there are different severities and need to be taking care of in their specific needs.  When all is said and done the Atonement can make us clean once more. Some cycles are just more delicate then others. And some just take more time.

5.    Laundry detergent, bleach, and stain remover:  We can’t just expect a pair of pants to be put in the washer and become clean.  We have to put the effort into making them clean.  Just as you would put laundry detergent, bleach or stain removers in to ensure your pants will come out clean after the wash cycle, we as individuals need to make sure we are doing our part of the deal when we are asking for forgiveness. Reading our scriptures, daily prayer, attending church, fasting, and living the gospel to our best ability are steps we need to take in order to have the Atonement work in our lives. So we can become clean again.

6.    Dry Cycle: When the wash cycle is done it is important to dry your pants or they will become stiff, wrinkly, and uncomfortable to wear again.  Just as Heavenly Father forgives us it is also required of us to forgive ourselves.  When we are truly forgiven of our mistakes and when we truly forgive ourselves we have a sense of peace and comfort. We feel clean again. It is no longer a burden.  When your pants are dry from the dryer they are warm, wrinkle free, and soft once more. Ready to wear again.  

Lesson Learned:

The Atonement is meant to heal, it was never meant to be easy. It is meant to break us down and rid us of our stains. We are meant to feel “Godly Sorrow.” (Wash Cycle)

“God the Father is merciful and has infinite love for you despite your
faults. Only the voice of Satan will cause you to feel of no value. In
contrast, the Holy Ghost will cause you to feel 'godly sorrow' unto
repentance in a manner that fills you with hope of positive change."
(Anthony D. Perkins, "The Great and Wonderful Love," Ensign, Nov. 2006, 77)